Wow, I realized that I haven't updated my DA for a long time... I haven't had time to really draw or edit any pictures lately, so obviously, as you can see, I haven't uploaded any art. I've been indecisive lately about life. There's been much pressure, and I sometimes don't want to deal with it anymore. And no, my dear child, you DON'T know my pain, haha. It's simply impossible to imagine my pain unless you're in my situation, living my life. At times I wonder to myself if all these hardships are signs that maybe this isn't the path I want to take. Then I think back on it and realize that life is not that simple (not always) - there are obstacles to stand in one's way when one really wants something. Hahaha... I'm so bored of this, though. The sooner I finish with this crap, the sooner I get to do whatever I want. Get a job, travel around, take classes I want to take at Pima, etc...

Anyway, it doesn't really matter what other people think. And dear, you can think you know my pain all you want, but it's really just that simple: It's impossible. I don't need pity from anyone. Again, it doesn't matter what people say about my decisions in life. It's MINE to live. I've finally realized that. And no one has the right to criticize or scrutinize me. So what if the clothes on my back and the make up on my face is unacceptable at times? So what if I'm not the preson with the best body? So what if my whole character doesn't compare to those of nuns? Who cares if I'm sarcastic and aloof to the human race? It doesn't make me any less human. And this would mean that my decisions are "human" as well; looking at me as if I'm a possessed soul will do you no good.

I have many "mainstream" flaws that the social norm makes fun of on a daily basis. I used to think that these flaws were funny as hell. I used to think that only stupid people would do such things. I used to think that these flaws are only made by attention whores with no life. I guess I'm a hypocrite then, because I too, now have those flaws. Am I not still human? Am I still not myself, in a way.

Life is all just a big game, it seems. We're put on this earth to have our abilities tested... Or something. At times it feels like a game of manipulation, and we have to try and keep our heads in the game and close our eyes at any sign of hypnotism. There are evil, selfish people in this world who sets standards to what everyone SHOULD look like, what cliqie one SHOULD be in if one acts a certain way, what everyone SHOULD adore, and how everyone SHOULD think - "mainstream", I've called it, earlier.

I've given in to that game. I've fallen in it's little evil traps, and Goddamn it, I want out. But once one is in the game, it takes a lot to just get by everyday. It sure as hell is taking a lot to try and escape from everything.

How does it feel to have someone set a standard on an adolecent woman's ideal weight? Not everyone's body type can be as thin and pretty as of those on the magazine covers. Mine sure as hell can't. But you know what? I still feel horrible about that fact, every single day. To try and stay as "mid-weight" as possible, I sometimes force myself to not eat, or to only eat fruits and vegetables. That sounds easy, right? It's harder than you think. I can't eat ANYTHING. I can't allow my body to metabolize anything, or else it'd go straight to my stomach, sides, butt, or legs. And everytime after I've failed to control my urges, and binged, I would lock myself in my bathroom and... You know where this is going.

I am bulemic. Of course. And it was all from curiosity. I looked to any way to enjoy food and be able to stay the same size. But the truth is that bulemia doesn't work; one can't throw up every single thing one's eaten. So as a matter of fact, yes, one DOES still gain weight if one is bulemic. So I struggle with now three problems: Trying to stay thin, control my urge to binge and overcoming the habit of throwing up after I eat.

I am embarrassed by my weight, and how I look. I envy the me last year, who had anorexia, who was thin. I am embarrassed to sometimes go out, even to school. My self esteem drops everytime I eat something, and it drives me back into depression again and again. I no longer want to deal with school. It's a waste of time anyway. Education has never been on my list of "Living Life"... But no one understood that. I'm tired of being told what to do; I'm tired of taking orders. There are so many possibilities, and so little time. No one agreed with me. Instead, they kept trying to brainwash me with the "education is good" policy that everyone is followig. I strived so hard to find myself, and when I do, no one accepts me, and I'm again, lost and alone, in pressure and emotional turmoil.

So I cut myself. There was nowhere to run and sure as hell nowhere to hide.
I feel that I serve no purpose in this world. None but to make everything but more difficult; more difficult than it already is. I'm so pathetic that I can't even keep friends. No one wants to be around me, and no one trusts me because of my deadly habits and unworldly interests in not wanting education. Where does this leave me in life? I'm confused. I have very little to wake up to now. But I have what I need to get through life, keeping me from those suicidal thoughts.

I have a future planned out to a certain extent, and it's one that I must fulfill. I have to fulfill this because I know this road will lead me to happiness and freedom. I have a new life ahead of me, one outside of high school and it's dramatic problems. Maybe I've never belonged in high school. Maybe I live to take on the real world, not adolecent issues, who knows?
Anyway, this is just what's been going on with me, since the last time I've actually written a journal entry here.


Peace&Love